“Why can’t you move on?”
“It’s because I love her so much” I replied.
“Are you sure that you do?”
“Yes, of course I am sure” I answered, irritated by his lack of understanding.
I have had or heard this conversation over and over during the last 11 years.
That love is the root of all pain.
It’s the only reason we are suffering that much after a breakup and we can’t just switch it off … we can’t un-love them, can’t we?
But I get it … I’ve been there.
You feel that the love you have is absolute, a precious thing that needs to be protected and kept alive.
You fought so long for it, nurtured it and now your Ex doesn’t care.
So it’s YOUR job to keep it alive.
But like so many things we feel after the breakup, this is only an illusion.
Let me tell you this:
It’s NOT your job to keep the love alive after your Ex decided that they don’t want to be with you any longer.
I know it hurts to read this, but it’s the truth.
But here’s the misconception:
The love you still feel for him/her does NOT cause your pain.
How could it … love is pure, love is positive energy, love gives you strength.
The pain you feel is caused by fear alone.
The fear of the unknown.
The fear of being alone forever.
The fear of not being able to handle it.
The fear of not being loved.
The fear of not being worthy.
Fears everywhere you look.
So instead of trying to get rid of the love you feel, it’s better to counteract on the fear.
What might happen then during your recovery is that you’ll learn that the love you felt wasn’t love … but something else.
The one (of many) positive things about a recovery done the right way is, it uncovers false beliefs.
One of them being that you love your Ex so much.
For example, what I felt back then wasn’t love at all … it was masking insecurities with a beautiful girlfriend.
That certainly is not love.
But how do you defeat fear?
By doing these two things:
- having a positive outlook
- taking strategic action
It’s really that simple (and that hard).
There is nothing worse in life than feeling helpless.
And you MUST fight this with quitting your inner monolog and taking care of yourself actively.
That’s the best and only way to finally let go and move on.
Your friend and coach,