Here’s a recent question from a reader about what to do when your Ex has already move on:
“I was wondering if you had any advice on when your ex moves on. Because we were in contact, there was a false hope. And that made him moving on 200x more difficult. He told me I broke his heart (confusing when he broke up with me, and there was no cheating or anything of the sort involved) and that he’d never love again, about 2 months ago. Now he’s happily in another relationship and “in love” and it baffles me. It makes my stomach sink and my heart rate increase anytime I think about it. I am constantly worrying and wondering what he’s thinking and doing. I am finally going through the grief- crying, angry, etc., all the things being in contact helped me to avoid. Any advice on dealing with the ex moving on to another person would be so so very much appreciated. Thank you for all that you do.”
I know that many of you out there are going through the exact same thing:
Staying in contact with your Ex to avoid having to deal with the painful consequences of the breakup.
Then learning that they have moved on right in front of your nose.
That’s always a shock and at the same time, it feels like yet another betrayal. Especially when the Ex (as in this case) gave mixed signals about how they feel about you.
This is a classic still-in-contact scenario went wrong … and that is why I ALWAYS recommend going No-Contact after a breakup.
No matter the circumstances (when you still have to deal with your Ex because of children or mutual workplace, there are special rules you have to follow).
I understand that we want to avoid the pain which is inevitably waiting, I understand that we may still have hope, and I understand that we just want to be near them while we still can.
BUT … this is all living on borrowed time.
And why making it that easy for an Ex who has broken up with you? Who don’t want to be with you any longer?
They say confusing things, like the classic:
I’ll never stop loving you … and I’ll never love someone else.
These are all statements to make things easier for them.
Worst case scenario: They want to keep you around should anything go wrong with their “new life”.
Why would you allow someone to be their second choice?
Following the No-Contact Rule helps you avoid all of that. You really don’t need to know anything about their “new lives.”
As for dealing with the fact that they’re now with somebody else, the best thing to do here is to cut yourself off of them and to concentrate on yourself and your own recovery.
I know that this is a highly painful thing to cope with, but sometimes it’s the kick in the butt that pushes you into your recovery (as opposed to spending months in a limbo-like state and believe me, your DON’T want a limbo-like state …)
Following the NC-Rule is hard, I’m not going to lie about that, but it’s the best protection against unnecessary drama and hurtful games there is.
Your friend and coach,